REFLECTIONS of OUR TIMES News Archives
Winner for a Week Innocent [just missed winners]
Idiot Issued Patent. $5000 filing fee and red tape no deterrent [odd patents]
Man Terrified by Cholesterol Hoax [health quackery]
Al Gore enraged over ribbon with Jolie –Pitt [celebrity colors]
Barry & Lance Drop Roids for Yoga Booty Ballet [fitness shortcuts]
Senator Lieberman Claims Candidacy for Delmarva. “...the 51st State” !
HARTFORD, CT A surprise announcement today by Senator Joe Lieberman sent the press corps scurrying for information. Still smarting from his recent primary loss, Joe Lieberman declared, “If Hillary can lay claim to residency in New York, I can relocate to Delmarva”. Asked if DelMonte (sic) was one the new planets Senator Lieberman lectured on his aspirations to quickly declare Delmarva as the 51st state by splitting off portions of Delaware, Maryland, and West Virginia that would “not vote for any neo-fascist-liberal-viral-internet-democrat like Lamont”.
Joe Lieberman claiming Statehood for DelMonte or one of the other Planets
Senator Clinton is stunned, but supports “Joe’s Journey”
When questioned on Lieberman’s newest quest Senator Hillary Clinton said ,”Joe can grab any opportunity he desires. After all, he was robbed in the presidential election in 2000. If they let Al and Joe count those votes from Delmarva, they would have beaten Bush, and we’d still have the Twin Towers and never been in Iraq.” Joe Lieberman later stated that if he can’t get Delmarva in as the 51st he’ll go after Guam or perhaps the Philippines. [more on the next US state, the 51st]
Clandestine Out-of-Work IT Group Still On Guard Against Y2K Bugs and Ensuing Calamities
D—-—, A-, The Y2K bug drove many companies to the brink of intolerance. Their IT staffs claimed system annihilation. Computers would crash planes would fall. Thanks to their perseverance we had ZERO problems. The entire country and world owes a debt of gratitude to these cyber citizens. A few proud, and unemployed Y2K Directors are continuing to monitor all internet and system “traffic” for any Y2K remnants that may possibly have been undetected. To date … they have been 100% successful, and have found NOTHING. “We will keep the lantern on, and will not let the Y2K bug in. We will never forget”, Bob Krupchak, MS-DOS Expert Tech Advisor
Bo Krupchak logs in 100+ hours per week analyzing internet fault codes for Y2K anomalies
Thanks Y2K Team. Keep up the good work. Cost to date ...$8 trillion
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Cubs Manager Claims, “Score Board Will Tell You How To Play The Game, If You Know How to Read It.”
CHICAGO, IL Dusty Baker, current Manager of the Cubs said on the eve of the Cubs hitting the cellar, “I knew my stint in Chicago would be different than that In San Fran. You see, Wrigley Field the largest and best scoreboard in the league. I need not concern myself with the game details, a pitch count, strategy, or so-called “small” or Ozzie” ball. When it comes right down to hit, it’s whose in 1st at the end of the season. The board at Wrigley tells me all I need to know. I know the score of every game, by inning, whose pitching, and the current standing. You see, Wrigley's also got flags of each team in standing order. When I see the Cubs on top, I know I’m making the right calls. If were not in 1st, or on top of the other flags, then I see who is, and plan to beat them or watch the board to see if they lose. Once back in ‘02 we made it to the top because the other team lost … on Opening Day.
The Wrigley Field Scoreboard, Dusty Bakers new assistant
Dusty no longer concerned of game details, but standings and scores.
Congress Votes to Ban Tom Hanks from Feature Films for Five Years. Bush Signs
WASHINGTON, DC In an eleventh hour vote. Congress passed the “American Unambiguous Movie Patriot Act”. This last minute rider effectively restricts Tom Hanks from making any feature films until the Bill is up for renewal in 2011. The resolution was invoked by Senator Specter who stated, “Come On, we all have seen the monopoly that Mr. Hanks has established in first run movies. He needs to pick a particular genre’. He is confusing middle America and our lucrative foreign film markets. America and the World need stability, not an “Actor of all trades” Jesu– he plays a dog, a woman, a boy, a soccer ball, a challenged man, Batman, a Soldier, Mr. Mom, and what have you.” [Note: He still is allowed to voice over documentaries, low tech cartoons, museum movies, and certain cereal commercials.]
“Wilson-Tamara- Gumpy-Private-Sarge-Sally-Forrest”
Of course …. Tom Hanks …. Again … who else ?
Patrol Guard Berry Propel back on job after three months after driver slowed vehicle to 32 mph prior to strike
Crossing Guards Injuries Down 7% with New Patented Traffic Stopping Gloves
BUTTE. MT Crossing Guard injuries drop after implementation of newly patented Traffic Stopping Gloves. Not only did injuries drop, but the severity of compound fractures was less, as noted by average hospital stays reduced by two days from 62 days to 60 days. Montana school districts rushing gloves to all patrol guards. Patent claims … “by thrusting the gloves in a pronated rotation directly in front of moving vehicle the driver of said moving vehicle should be compelled to immediately stop. STOP verbiage is surrounded by the stop sign shape to further alert driver to stop vehicle prior to potentially striking glove wearer and/or user.” Gloves are composed of special fabric for easy cleaning of “hard to remove” stains: blood, engine oil, road salt, burnt rubber, and asphalt. [more]
Gloves recently issued US Patent. tested with actual subjects. “If the car didn’t stop it noticeably slowed down before impact.” B. Propel, actual field tester
Fat Johnny Survives Death Scare in Spite of Crazy Diet & Exercise Regimen
Misinformed, frustrated, tired, hungry, and fat
HOBOKKEN, NJ Fat Johnny practically starves himself to death on Low Fat Diet while totally unable to control his appetite. “All I ate was them veggies and low fat Quaker bars for six days every week”. John Barkins could not control his need for nourishment, and after his Saturday Jazzercise triple sessions would cheat and visit both the local Portillos Pasta Bowl and the Krispy Kreme drive thrus. After eight years of starvation I knew there was a better way, and it wasn’t Yoga Booty Ballet. I cut carbs and work-outs, and am enjoying progress and achievements. The exercise quacks are clueless about weight-loss and exercise. How many lives have been wasted?
Much Pain, More Gain
Ying with 19 cent beanie babies
Walgreens Cancels Thanksgiving China Halloween Goods Arrive Too Early
SZENG-FUNG, CHINA Walgreens has already laid out their stores with Halloween displays of their “imported” merchandise. “This was necessary as a reaction to the “early” shipment from our China suppliers”, said Louis Paulsen, Walgreens International Procurement Director. Paulsen expected delivery in 50 weeks, and had to clear school supplies to make room. Future shipment plans will move Christmas merchandise to October thus canceling Thanksgiving. The store layouts just won’t facilitate the traditional American holiday schedule this year. “The ports were overloaded … it was better to cancel our Holidays and school year than to slow-down the Chinese economy. Melly Harroween!”
Increase in Workers Output Drops Delivery to 30 Weeks
Memories & Impressions of an Era